Fuck My Imagination

Fuck my imagination. 

Where does it get me? My mind is filled with hopes and dreams and impossible possibilities. 

My imagination makes me feel naive—ignorant to the realities of the world I’ve survived in.  

Fuck my imagination. 

It embarrasses and taunts me with fantastic fantasies in a make-believe world. 

Fantasies of attaining the happiest happily ever after.

Fuck my imagination. 

It’s where I can reach for stars, sit atop a cloud, touch a rainbow. 

But what good is that?

Fuck my imagination.

It does me no good on its own. It only serves as an inspiration to conquer procrastination.

That’s What I Crave

What I miss most are the intimate moments—

The low-lit dinners for two

The cuddling, the soft kisses

The long talks in bed, the sound of his heart beating as I fall asleep on his chest

Those moments that don’t exist to anyone other than us.

That’s what I miss.

That’s what I crave.

And although it seems unattainable now, I’m too much of a romantic not to be hopeful.

Being able to connect with someone in such a way that makes you wonder how it was possible to be happy before he came along—

Wondering to yourself, “Where have you been all my life?”

But thanking God that he’s here now.

That’s what I crave.

Birthdays, holidays and anniversaries shared with our family and friends.

Weekends shared with each other.

The late-night phone calls when we’re apart.

The comfortable silence when we’re together.

That’s what I crave.

The smile that comes across my face when he walks through the door.

The way my heart flutters when he slowly leans in and kisses my neck

and just like that…every bad thought for the day disappears.

That’s what I miss.

That’s what I crave.

…in case you were wondering. 

Thanks for a Birthday to Remember

My birthday trip to Jamaica was everything I could have wanted and more. It was like one of those movies I love so much—action, romance, comedy and drama with a twist. Black women on a Caribbean vacation celebrating and having fun. I wouldn’t say I found my groove, but I did lose something—my inhibition. I let go of my usual prudish, uptight self. About time! That side of me had been around a little too long. That side of me started slowly emerging a few years ago for what I could only resolve was for my own protection—to act as a reminder to never repeat the mistakes of the past. In time, she began to take over. She started to change my way of thinking. What used to be considered fun now made me incredibly sad and shameful. She decided it was time for a change. So, instead of wild and loose, I became stuffy and rigid. I can’t tell you which is more unattractive. It might be a tie.

It took Jamaica and my girls to reintroduce me to genuine enjoyment. I planned on having fun but I didn’t plan on having a blast. Jamaica showed me her very best side. And, I reciprocated. It was really very easy. Each breathtaking moment it got a little easier. All I had to do was relax, look around, take in the surrounding beauty, exhale, repeat. As the hours slowly floated by, I incorporated a few more steps: sip, take a dip, lie on the beach, eat, repeat. After 30 minutes, I couldn’t help but surrender. Time seemed to stand still. Eventually, time disappeared all together. Before I knew it, I was enjoying myself with an open mind and open arms welcoming Jamaica.

We welcomed her and she welcomed us. Entertaining and being entertained by the bartenders, the lifeguards and sociable guests by day. Running with the locals and chilling with them at their spots by night. Our adventures in the ocean, down the river, up the waterfalls, in the mud and through the air!!—I’ll never forget them. I’m looking so forward to doing it all again next year! I can’t see myself going without y’all! Thanks for giving me my swagger back. This was the best birthday vacation ever and all I can think of is, “how can we top it next year!?” ;~)

My Beautiful Mind

I have a beautiful mind.
It wanders in and out of reality. 
One minute I’m there with you and the next I’m not. 
I’m visiting so many different places in my mind. 
Places that I have never been. 
Places that I have been hundreds of times and places that only exist to me.
It's safe, comforting and scary all at once.
I never know where it's going to take me.
I'm happy just to be along for the ride.
I love my beautiful mind.

Insightfulness

I’m so grateful to have finally found you. 
For so long I wandered aimlessly without you. 
Stumbling, tripping and falling so far from your reach. 
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that I found you but I’m glad you’re here now. 
You’ve given me more than you could ever know—a better understanding of myself, newfound respect for myself, and more importantly, acceptance. 

Welcome

As a writer I have learned that my best writing comes from personal experiences. And, if I’m going to share my personal experiences, then I have to be honest with myself in order to be honest with my audience. As with anybody, my personal life is very personal to me. I’ve experienced plenty of things that I would prefer not to share with familiar faces let alone the unfamiliar. My experiences have shaped my behavior and my way of thinking. At 35 years old I am just now beginning to accept and embrace who I am. And, I make no excuses for it. I love myself and I am unable and unwilling to change the things that define me.

I am now what I never was in my twenties—self-aware and very conscious of my feelings. I owe this of course to the countless mistakes made during that time. Mistakes that resulted in consequences—some serious, some not so serious—that were ultimately caused by poor decision making all around. Friendships that were lost, careers that slipped away, relationships that eluded me or lingered on for way too long. These experiences have made me who I am today; and although I may bear some regret, I can’t see living my life any differently.

This is My Sincere Self Revealed—reflections, recollections and observations. Love her as I do.

Forgive me…I’m blushing

And I hadn’t even noticed until just now.

That slight grin that forces my cheekbones up high and reveals that one dimple on the left

That rush of energy that fills my entire body and exposes my vulnerability

Therefore opening myself up to you

Forgive me…I’m blushing

And that doesn’t happen often.

It’s like exhaling for the very first time

Like looking at you looking at me and not having any idea what’s going on around us

Like the anticipation of a kiss and the exact moment my lips meet yours and I melt 
Therefore opening myself up to you

Forgive me…I’m blushing

And if you knew what I was thinking, you’d be blushing too.

Your kisses trailing my neck.

Your hands wandering freely and purposefully because every spot you touch elicits more pleasure than the last

Making it so that I can’t stop blushing.

And I owe it all to you.

See, this is the very beginning—once I blush, I only really blush for you.